Archive for DAOW

Did you say something, Maggie?


So, a friend of mine had an extra ticket to a Broadway show.

Free matinee. Whoo!

She took me to see Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, with Scarlett Johanson.



Now, I don’t claim to be any kind of expert on Tennessee Williams.

However, one thing that I’ve noticed is that in a Williams play, there always seems to be another, unseen, ever-present character. The Heat.

The Heat of the South.

The Heat of the Moment.

There is always Lust, with a capital L, in the air.

And from what I understand, the tumultuous relationship between main characters Brick and Maggie, must be fraught with chemistry. Lots and lots of chemistry.


I’ve made baking soda volcanoes that had more chemistry than those two.

It was… bad. Wow, was it bad.

If your performance is being outshone by the set design…

Holy cats! You got a problem, son.

There was no there there.

In all honesty, I found the production no good. There were some moments of saving grace (God Bless Debra Monk), but overall, you could see the edits, revisions and how they left holes in things left and right. Things that were added in just did not help, they were hindrances. I won’t give details in case you do see the show, but I will say this. 

I went in with the pre-conceived idea that Johanson would disappoint.

I’m kind of sorry to say, I was really, really right.


She’s too young to play Maggie the Cat, plain and simple.

There’s no tension, there’s no fight in her.

And, how can one do the entire opening monologue in a Tennessee Williams play in a slinky, silky slip and not be sexual. At. All?

And half the time, with her husband in the room (that she supposedly begs to have sex with), she talked as if she had no connection with him, whatsoever. I asked my friend “Does she know he’s there?”

But it wasn’t just her. If only it were that easy.

It was bad across the board.

No malice, no bitterness, just disappointment.

Oh! And why is the lady sitting next to ME the only chick in the theater that has no idea how to turn off her iPhone?

No, seriously.

It went off during the first act and when she sat there fumbling with it during both intermissions (yes, I said, both), I came within a hair’s breath of snatching it out of her hands. AHHHHH!

Okay, I’m done.

Good night.

Every Day a Little Death.

You know that old theater joke about a production of “Anne Frank” so horrendous, that when the Nazis show up, audience members tell them where she’s hiding?

Yeah, “Liz & Dick” was kind of like that.
Never heard so many people pulling for a successful overdose.

Fa, La, La, La, La, Fuuuuuuuuuuddge!


In Texas last night during Black Friday, (the dumbest “holiday” ever created), an altercation got so heated, that one person pulled a gun on another consumer for cutting in-line and name-calling.

No, let me repeat that.

A dude went in Wal-mart last night.

He got cut in line by another dude.

Words start flying. Then name-calling.

Then, the second dude punches the first dude in the head.

First dude responds by pulling his weapon.

First dude has not been charged, because after all, he had a license to carry a concealed weapon in Texas. You know, like you do.

Basically, all he succeeded in doing was scattering the crowd in the store momentarily, scaring the hell out of the guy who thought he was so badass two minutes prior and proving my point that this “Black Friday” business is complete and utter crap.

I don’t patronize Wal-mart on a regular basis because of their horrendous, sub-human treatment of their employees. But now, not only do they practice this disgusting idea of starting Black Friday before you’re done digesting, they’ve got people ready to shoot each other over this.

Malls, franchises, have a lovely holiday. I’ll see you in 2013.

Wal-Mart, don’t expect to see any of my money. Ever. Again.

There’s a reason why I love living in NYC. Y’all. Ain’t. Here.

What’d I Miss?

So, you may have noticed I took a BIT of a hiatus before the election.

Trust me, the spammers noticed. (Incidentally, any REAL people out there reading this, I will accept sound advice on how to get these pests off my little corner of the sky. Thank you.)

With all of the immense immaturity (Yeah, Trump, I’m looking at you) going on in the weeks leading up to and following our nation’s biggest cat fight, I just didn’t bother. Guess I was just sick of it all. Campaigns make me weary now and election night adds on too many calories. Truth.

But now, it’s over and I’m looking at holidays. Almost as stressful, but at the very least tastier.

The guys in my band and I are participating in Movember and we’re slowly, but surely raising money. The hurricane made it pretty tough to focus on anything else. My piece of New York remained intact, but people I love in Jersey were affected. A lot.

And during the time they needed help the most, I couldn’t get there.

And I felt helpless.

I really hated that.

But for the most part, things are back to normal.

Looking for work, practicing with the Guys, taking care of Little Man, and shaking my head at the Stupid.

Yeah, I’m noticing companies doing a lot of stupid in order to avoid paying employees enough or giving them enough hours to qualify for medical insurance.


We’ve become SO damn greedy, that CEO’s can’t fathom paying workers fair wage OR providing health care?

Hostess has been drowning in debt, sales have been lackluster, but your CEO gave himself and all his executives RAISES and I’m supposed to believe that the problem is that the bakers’ union went on strike for the pay they were supposed to get in the FIRST place?!

Bitch, ya Twinkies ain’t all that!

Might as well call ’em Ho Cakes, the way you trying to screw everybody.

And breathe…

Okay, I think that’s enough outrage for now. Better pace myself.


Everybody Says Don’t

So, I’m having a fairly decent day.

Nothing to complain about.

The usual outrage over politics with my morning coffee was easily quelled when a reporter from FOX news (no, really) actually fact-checked Paul Ryan’s speech from last night!  Then, I got word that Sarah Palin’s fifteen minutes may finally be up.

Oh, I left my house a happy little mommy.

Took my little guy to the park for the afternoon and finished it off with a visit to Bareburger. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but the lamb sliders. Oh, heavens, the lamb sliders!

But as I was finishing up my cranberry blue salad (Seriously, I took some of the spinach leaves and blue cheese and put it ON the lamb sliders before inhaling them), I checked my Facebook for news of the day and a friend of mine exhibited her frustration over shoes.

Not like you’re thinking.

You see her son, like mine, loves to dance. But hers moreso.

Her boy has the bluest eyes, the rosiest cheeks and the most dancin’-est feet around. He loves it so much, he asks his mother constantly when he can go back. I hear tell his school wants to enter him in competitions, for crying out loud! So naturally, as the new dance season begins, she prepares to buy him tap shoes. She doesn’t want to go crazy with the price tag, though, because every mother knows you buy your boy new shoes, you take ’em home, you sneeze and by the time you reach for a tissue, he’s already outgrown them.

So, first stop on this crusade: Payless.

Well, why not? I see they have dance shoes for girls all the time!

Not only did they not have any, they practically scoffed at her for asking.

Dude, 80% of your shoes are made out of sawdust and lacquer. Don’t get cocky.

So, she starts looking for friends who might have some or even dance stores in her area. Nothing.

She finally finds a dance supply store in her town of Brooklyn. Heck, it’s the same store recommended by his school! They’re bound to be cooperative, right?

Wrong. Not only did they not HAVE the shoes she needed, they actually REFUSED to order them for her.

But what I love, is the reason they gave her for not complying with her request:

Boys. Don’t. Tap Dance.

Oh. No. They Didn’t!

Where did this insanely un-based theory get it’s origins?

And why the Dulè Hill is she getting this kind of flack from the dance supply store?!

As a mommy with a creative Little Man (how many 5 year olds do YOU know are familiar with movie composer John Williams?), I can understand Payless not having any. Whatever.

But for a place where they thrive, where they are completely dependent on kids going for their dreams and the parents who want to help them reach for those stars, for THAT place to deny her freaking SHOES is really damn ridiculous.

Is it a big, popular thing with boys? no.

But no one has the right to tell that mother and her child that he can’t.

That he’s not supposed to love this because no other boys do, which I know is not true.

And as a dance supply store, have you never heard of: Gene Kelly? Donald O’Connor?

Fred Astaire?

Gregory (and Maurice!) Hines?

The Nicholas Brothers?

How about Savion Glover?

Any of these names ringing a bell?

Fitness Underground, is it?

Congratulations. You’ve earned the crown.

You are the prime Dumbass of today.


Chicken Heads


Things have reached a pretty pass, haven’t they?

I leave for two weeks’ family vacation and all gay Hell broke loose.

There have been so many who have worked so very, VERY hard to achieve this oh so dubious honor.


CEO Dan Cathy

And let me just state for the record, my problem with this whole Chik-fil-A situation does not lie with what he said. Yeah, he’s perfectly within his rights to say and feel how he does. What I have a problem with is that he used the money from his company to contribute to organizations focused on revoking the rights of gay people. The money that I would allegedly spend at your establishment would go to groups that are working to make sure that my friends stay second-class citizens forever.

His actions spoke louder than his words. No, I won’t accept your chicken. Or your bull.

Bailey Hanks

I just heard about this chick the other day. A former reality star who starred on Broadway and is on tour in Legally Blonde, showed her support for Chik-fil-A to all of her fans on Twitter and promptly shot her theater career in the Jimmy Choo-bedecked foot.


I’m not going to say anything about her. Don’t know the girl. Never heard of her before. I will however say, “Hope the memories of Broadway will last you. A long, LONG time.”

Again, you have the right to express your opinion and belief. But when the gay community is pretty much your world, not to mention your bread and butter…

Hope that brownie was worth it.

Twit-heads and Bored Pundits

Heck, I’ll even tip the DA hat to the Olympics. Those critics of Serena Williams, or worse, Gabby Douglas. GABBY DOUGLAS! 16 years old, FIRST Black American gymnast to win individual gold and everybody was bitching about her hair. Really? REALLY?!!

When y’all can do Gold-medal winning, physics-defying, globally inspiring gymnastics in a leotard Richard Simmons wouldn’t try on, graceful and poised in front of a worldwide audience without sweating out YOUR perm, then you can say something.

Anyone? Well, I’m waiting.

No. No, no.

Of all of these, one truly stands out.

Bryan Fischer

The radio host and spokesman for the American Family Association recently declared that an “underground railroad” is needed to free children from their same-sex households?

Oh, Hell No!

So, I decided to NOT fly off the handle and first read the story about the mother in question.

The biological mother of the child in question believes that her former lesbian partner is negligent and possibly abusive to the child. With the judge demanding that the mother comply with the court’s refusal to keep the visits supervised, it put her in a terrible position. A pastor helped the mother and child escape to parts unknown. The pastor is currently facing jail time because of this.


End of story.

And if I were in a similar situation with an abusive ex-partner whom I couldn’t shake, yes, that would put me in a spot of desperation. And I would take my child and run. I would.

But my question to Bryan Fischer is, Does this apply to everyone?

What if the couple weren’t gay?

What if the mother was separated from an abusive, negligent father? Would this “railroad” still be in effect for those mothers?

What about the father who’s been denied custody despite a mount of evidence that the mother is unfit? Does this supposed “freedom train” apply to everyone, or just the ones from gay relationships? And are we talking about just the troubled relationships or ALL children from ALL same-sex houses?

Because if you’re just singling out the gays and lesbians, we’re going to fight.

You know perfectly well that your minions will take this as a call to arms to collect into mobs, and “rescue” children from their families, no matter HOW happy that child is. And were that to actually happen, I know it wouldn’t stop there. Because if you have your way, the parents like me, who tell their children that being gay is nothing to be afraid of, will be next on the list.

For everyone’s sake, I hope it never comes to that.

Because adopted or biological, I know gay people and I know parents. None of my gay friends are parents at the moment, but should you or any of your followers take it upon yourselves to try and liberate their children from their homes or mine, expect to leave that house with nothing but a stiletto in your eye!

I think we can bestow on you the Gold Medal of stupid.

You sir, are an Olympic-sized Dumbass!

Okay, now I’m done.


Object Lesson

So, once again I’ve been away from my computer too much.

But all day rehearsals, tech and opening weekend will do that to a girl.

When I found myself passed out on my couch at 8:30 at night, I knew blogging was just not happening.

But now, with my return to the screen, I was greeted with the greatest nugget of “duh” I’ve seen in a long time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, drumroll please…

I present to you, The return of…


So, I have a friend who’s a playwright.

He’s also a producer, a critic and a general joy to be around.

I’ve done several of his plays and seen even more.

He’s neither rich nor famous, but he is well known in local theater circles.

His most recent play has just closed, and for SOME reason, a guy who originally auditioned for the show (and didn’t get in) contacted him on Twitter. Normally, this is not a big deal, but This Guy decided to do the ONE thing any experienced actor, director, acting teacher, agent, manager or really, anyone with a modicum of common sense would not do.

He trolled him, with the smell of sour grapes emanating from the keyboard. 

He opened the conversation by thanking him for NOT casting him in his show.

After which, he exhibited pretty much every poor decision you could make.

For example…

1) If you want to complain about not being cast, feel free… when you’re at home… with your friends. You never say that crap in front of the playwright, director, casting agent, booker. You just don’t do it.

Moreover, you don’t say this to the director, follow it up with a personal attack and tack on “Peace and Love” and expect anyone to believe you do this out of anything but spite.

2) There is a word that as an actor, you don’t EVER want attached to your name and resume: UNPROFESSIONAL.

It is a kiss of death. For some, it is unwarranted. Others, it’s steeped in rumor and conjecture and can’t really be proven. But then there are those who make such a big show of their unprofessionalism, who gain the reputation of a jerk, either through testimonials that follow them over the years or, if they do it all in one huge gesture of dumb. Putting your unprofessionalism in writing, for example, on a social network for all the world to see. Yeah, that’ll get UNPROFESSIONAL stamped right on you. And once there, it is HARD to wash the stink of that off.

3) There is a universal truth best expressed by Disney: It’s a Small World After All.

The world, whether we believe it or not, is rather small.

The theatre world? Even smaller.

The theatre world outside of Broadway? While densely populated, is infinitesimal.

This guy displayed a complete lack of understanding that word spreads. A lot. Really, really, freaking fast. Especially when you do something in a public forum, like for example, Twitter!! You came on to HIS page, insulted him, called him names, put down his work and then told him that HE can’t let it go? Really? You just told so many people how difficult it will be to work with you. And they will tell two friends, and so on, and so on…

But mostly…

4) This playwright you took to task has taken more hits than you will ever know. He has been through reviews and rejections and who knows what else and has kept going and kept writing through everything. He actually has the hide of a rhinoceros, and the heart of a lion. And while doling out your clever “bon mots”, you assumed that no one this playwright knew would take up the torch for him and spread the word of your behavior.

Oh, Peaches…

In the immortal words of Edward Norton, “You just f*cked with the wrong rhino.”

You see, he has lots of people very willing to go to bat for him.

In fact, your behavior was so heinous, it’s gone beyond his reach. People who have never met him and know nothing about him are now using your Twitter convo as the ultimate actor’s cautionary tale.

“When you don’t get a part in a show, don’t be THIS guy.”

Nice going, sunshine.

Now, casting directors will know just where to file your headshot.

In the circular file, under “D.”

Oh, how the stupid exhausts me!

Are… you… kidding me?!
I honestly thought I’d heard all of the lame excuses used to ban marriage equality. And seriously, ALL of them are lame. But this one tops them all.
Now, thanks to Senator Brunstetter and his wife, we have a new level of stupid.

The good senator (insert imaginary sarcastic quotes here), who has written Amendment One for the North Carolina state constitution, wants it in the constitution to “protect” it from activist judges. But according to his wife, Jodie, it’s more than that. She was quoted by a freelance journalist as saying, the amendment her husband wrote was created to “protect the Caucasian race.”
No joke.
Protect the Caucasian race.
I don’t know who taught this chick her biology, but Mother of God.

In what universe does this make sense? I really want to know.

Gay couples do not procreate!! 

I thought that was the main reason you guys were so against them!

And now, you’re making this about preserving the race? Seriously?!

Oh honey.

Whether you know it or not, you “Caucasians” lost that battle a few centuries ago when your ancestors couldn’t stay out of my ancestors’ quarters.

Now you know. Surrender the fantasy.

So, now you’re concerned that not only will gay people have kids, they’ll have kids of different races, is that it?!
The logic. Where is it?

This is where I’m confused. All of these efforts to curb attempts to treat gay people like, you know, PEOPLE, have been rooted in the deep-seated belief that there is no actual love in a gay relationship, that they cannot and should not raise families because they are “sick.”

But over the past decade or so, I have seen some seriously “sick” behavior, but none of it has come from the supposed “deviants.” I have seen pillars of the community fall, supposed saviors of the family unit exposed in their never-ending quest to strive to retain their right to discriminate.

That’s all this is. Legalized, aggrandized discrimination.

Bill after bill after amendment after grand-standing rally, is all about scaring people into thinking it will be the end of civilization as we know it if we let people live their lives. Seriously, I think that most of the people who are trying so hard to prove to themselves that same-sex relationships aren’t valid have never opened their eyes and seen them as a family. They don’t want to believe it’s real. That the men and women they have been trained to despise their entire lives aren’t that different from themselves.

That. thought. terrifies them. 

But, in light of this woman’s idiotic notions, I think North Carolina and every other state should be far more afraid that knuckle heads like this woman and her husband are working for the state and are responsible for the rights of all citizens of North Carolina. That’s right, ALL citizens. You cannot pick and choose who your constituents love. There is no law for that, no matter what you do.

The answer to finding peace is equality.

Dissolution will be your downfall.

Figure it out now, or suffer later. Your choice.

But if you choose to continue on this path to convince the state you’re right, Mr. Brunstetter, do yourself a favor. Keep your wife from talking to the media. Don’t want the crazy getting in the way of your message.

Oh, the crazy IS your message.

Well, carry on, then.

Warming up my slappin’ hand.

Eric Bolling:
You did what?!
You’re serious.
You did this in earnest.
You picked on some of the most beloved puppets in the world, and you got a “positive” response from your viewers for that? Dude, whatever (eyeroll).
So, due to this “encouragement,” you felt emboldened enough to make a debate challenge.
to. a piece. of felt.

Psst. Yo, Bolling.
Come here.
What did I tell you about messing with the Muppets?
What did I tell you?!

*smack* What is wrong with you?
*smack* Are you a grown man or what?
*smack* Don’t you have any respect?!
You disrespected the Little Green Guy, who’s been in the business for over fifty years, you dolt!
Those pieces of fabric are more beloved than you will EVER know!!
*inhale* But you know what? I’m not going to get more worked up about this. I don’t need to.
Because Kermit can speak for himself. And so can Miss Piggy.

You just got served. By Bacon.

That’s right. You just got your sorry butt handed to you by a sock with lashes!! WHAT!

*Sigh* I hadn’t even had my coffee yet.

Poster boys for sterilization


Oh, Santorum. I think you’re doing this on purpose. I really do.

So, in an effort to raise money for his campaign, he creates an organization called Conservatives Unite Moneybomb. *sigh* The title makes no sense, and given the new definition of his name that was bestowed upon him by Dan Savage,* I would be on the lookout for such acronyms being associated with your name, if I were you.

*For those who’ve read Savage Love or googled the word, you know what I mean. Those who have remained ignorant, I won’t describe it here. Suffice to say, ew.

But THIS is the biggest dumbass of the week.

Tennessee senator declares it is “virtually impossible” for heterosexuals to contract AIDS.

Senator Stacey Campfield of Tennessee apparently put the country at ease by informing them that AIDS is impossible to contract from heterosexual sex.

How comforting, Senator. I’m sure the nearly 17 million women in America with the HIV virus will be very happy to hear that.

Is he aware that he possesses the medical wisdom of a 10 year old boy?!

That statement is ignorant. I’m talking 1985 ignorant.


Stop breeding. I’m asking you nice.